Wonderfully Scattered

There is always something about Septembers. Whether it’s Onam, my sister’s and mother’s birthday or something, there is. As a child, after getting introduced to computer games, especially the likes of Hitman, GTA, etc., I used to feel, isn’t life like a game? In this particular mission, I have been given my body's avatar and the ability to control it. I used to wonder, how am I able to control myself and not others? I mean, I can raise my arm, but I can’t make others raise their arms. Why was that? And I also used to think, what if I had a different character? I can’t exactly pinpoint what age it was, but it was somewhere between 5th and 10th standard. I think it was innocent of me as a child to ask why I was able to control myself and not others. When I think back, I was confused about human consciousness, and computer games sort of acted like an abstraction that catalyzed those thoughts. But I still wonder, where does consciousness begin and where does it end? Of course, evolutio...

What's life? Its a paradox! You know life is meaningless, Yet you look for meaning You want happiness, Yet you thrive in chaos,  You want ambition, Yet you are shackled by contentment,  You want love,  Yet you believe you are undeserving What's life?  A paradox! But it’s beautiful at the same time. When you can find personal meaning, it becomes a strong anchor in the face of uncertainty. When you have relationships — even if they are not perfect — they help us celebrate triumphs and share the weight of mourning. Even if we don’t find our place in our 20s or even our 30s, eventually we will. And that’s what matters. It’s really hard to balance ambition and contentment, but if we can master this art, life becomes not just paradoxical — but purposeful. The first part is my emotional mind talking, the second part is rational. Take what you will!

Recently, I was sort of on my nth rewatch of House M.D. , and one of the lines from an episode really caught my attention. Dr. Chase mentions something along the lines of the immune system being ancient. That really struck a chord and toggled the curiosity switch in me. So I took it to ChatGPT and started asking about the immune system and its origin — was it due to evolution, or did single-celled organisms intrinsically have an immune system of their own? They didn’t — because the threats that the first forms of life on our planet faced were not biological, they were environmental. It’s when life started to diversify, mutate, and become complex that life started to become a threat to life itself. The diversity caused competition for space, resources, etc. So this attack between different organisms warranted and gave rise to the first defense systems, which later evolved due to a variety of factors — both environmental and biological. This made me think — the rate of reproduction of v...

Note to self: Stop sweating over small stuff. In the long game, it doesn't matter. Only the big decisions matter. Focus on the lead measures , not the lag ones. The execution of activities/ processes that'll help you reach your goals everyday, rather than the measure of goal itself.  Edit: People who stay fit, healthy, consistent and dedicated to their goals get there by making sacrifices. There is no other way, people who look good, people who kill in their careers do that by avoiding things that are counterproductive to their goals. This is where Inversion thinking comes into play. It's so easy to do the wrong things but its incredibly hard to do the right things and keep doing it everyday.  No point in getting overly anxious as well.  When Kochi metro stairs speak

Something that has been bugging me for quite a long time has been the paradoxical nature of human actions. You do or speak something way out of your values and afterwards you feel like, "Why did I do that?" I never had a rational explanation for that. Just, plain, guilt. We tend to hold great values and sometimes judge or belittle people when they don't act out of those values, but in the midst of a deeply emotional and critical situation we break out of those values, without an iota of inertia. I have done this. I have seen people close to me do this. Situations where people advise us to take the high road, and yet when they face a situation eerily similar, they act in the opposite fashion. Oh boy, that used to drive me crazy. I mean, I was someone who was really conscious of how my actions would be perceived by others — I still am to an extent. But almost always, people doing the exact opposite of what they preach sort of gave me comfort in the fact that you don'...

Do I belong , Something I’ve battled for so long, It comes in waves. No matter how welcome I am. No matter how much people care for me, No matter how deeply they love me, No matter how merry I am Deep down, I feel like I don’t belong. I feel invisible. It’s a paradox. One that I wrestle with silently, over and over. The greatest irony? This feeling — this quiet exile — only brings pain to the very people who love me the most. And yet, I can’t seem to shake it. I hope none reads this, For this isn’t an act of valor, But it’s painful to feel this way — To stand among people and still feel like a stranger to yourself I have a million reasons why I feel this way, But none of them matter, Crystal doesn’t ease the ache, And the crystal lives in the past — A dungeon I can’t go back and destroy, All I have now is myself, and my existence, Still here, Still searching, Still hoping, I hope I belong someday — in a kind future, at a kind place, with my people I hop...